Daring to Dream in 2016

"I loved my family, but in the process of making a family I had somehow lost myself.  Passions were pushed aside, dreams had trickled away, and the needs of other people outside my family had escaped me...I wondered if it was wrong to care about anything or anyone outside of these four walls.  I wondered if I would feel permission to dream again...What I needed was a sense of purpose.  I felt restless." ~Jennie Allen, Restless

So I stopped dreaming a few years ago and when I'd start to dream I was quick to crumble it up and throw it out.  The disappointment, over and over and over again, was just too much...too painful...too maddening!  I told God more than once that I no longer wanted anything to do with it!  But...I'd always go back to it, always start to do it again, and continue to shut it down and out.  It seemed better to be dead to dreaming than experience little deaths continuously.

I know, this seems exciting, right?!  Well, the journey is a bit of a maze. Still is.  But somehow I stumbled upon the above book and started it and after the first couple chapters, I put it deep within a cabinet somewhere.  Then, for some reason, I looked up Jennie Allen, IF:, and low and behold I got an email about Dreaming for 2016.  I pretty much planned on deleting that email and be through with it, but I guess I didn't because I had my mother-in-law print out these four sheets of paper and when we got home I pulled out the yellow and black book and I'm half-way in, underlining like a mad woman.

Thought, just in case I needed to hammer some things into my head and heart, I'd pound everything I wrote out right here...

Spiritual (1. What were your favorite moments in 2015? Where did you see growth? 2. What changes can you make? 3. What does it look like to be intentional in 2016?)

Alone Time/Connect with God: 1. Our mornings together...sweet, special!  Memorizing Philippians. Prayer runs. Scheduled prayer times.  Read thru the Bible. 2-3. Regular prayer walks/runs. Prayer journaling. Talking with God throughout the day. Habit of praise. Actual Bible Study (1/ 2 Timothy)...and memorize it. Actually praying on my knees. Taking advantage of the time I have during my days to schedule study time, prayer time, writing, serving, discipling...

Church/Serve/Tithe: 1. Stopped seeing serving as about me, but about THE ONE I serve or the ones I serve. 2-3. Begin to truly serve the ONE by serving (and loving) the ones in front of me. Just focusing on Him...letting all else fall into place. Team Sawyer. Being a better steward with my funds and with our family budget. Always living open-handed and eager to grab less (of the world) and hold more (of Him).

Outreach/Ministry: 1. Hanging out with babies. Teaching in the chaotic moments.

2-3. Letting God lead, trusting that He will lead, serving with joy because I am serving Him. Prepare for my lessons, pray over them, pray over the kids and their families. Be open to new things...letting God be The Comforter in my discomfort. Serving with joy and eagerness and excitement in the mundane. Seeing all as an opportunity to serve Him. He is ENOUGH. He is REAL!

Discipleship/Mentorship: 1. using school/life as an opportunity to disciple the kids. A couple ladies from MPC. 2-3. More consistent with my kids. Have a plan...at least a map! Be quicker to open conversations with ladies. Let my guard down and trust God to be the Shield about me. Regular family devos/scripture memorization. Be intentional. Pray REAL LIFE prayers. Nurturing relationships - finding ways to open my life up to others.

Relational

Friendships: 1. Talks with Hannah, Cass, Melanie, Lari, Jeanette, Crystal, Pam, Abbie...(more!). Growing the way I "take" some friends. Letting myself be real with others without thinking too much. 2-3. Doing the "real" thing more. Shutting down negative thoughts and talk quickly. Pray for them regularly. Not seeking their things and/or their lives; rather, seeking them and to be a blessing to them. Think of ways to bless and do it! Maybe start with emails, encouraging texts/cards, favorite treats.

Marriage: 1. Truth...learning to work through HARD and pray for Nathan like the brother-in-Christ he is. More eager for intimacy. Deciding I wanted to be his biggest cheerleader, no matter what it's over (being interested in what he's interested in). 2-3. Better at meal planning and implementing. Getting more "into" him and his interests and work. (Genuine interests) Continue to pray to be a happy, tired person/wife. Stay up while he's up. Join in prayer time. Encouraging texts/emails. Pursue him. Cease from making Nathan feel bad about what he does/doesn't do.

Kids: 1. Reading with Hannah and kissing and hugging her before school. Reading to the kids at bedtime. Prayer time with the kids before bed. Helping the kids with homework...even when it doesn't end well. Watching God answer my prayers for them. 2-3. Consistent readings before bed, scripture memory work, Bible reading. Consistent Spirit-led interactions/conversations with them. More laughter, more fun, more games. Tightening areas up where they've gotten loose with behaviors, manners, and obedience. Consistent follow through with discipline...less nagging, more instructing. Teaching kids more by Your Spirit and love.

Extended Family/Neighbors/Coworkers: 1. Meeting our African neighbors. Chats on the phone with grandparents. At Home Harvest Fest-thing. 2-3. Intentional conversations with neighbors. Calling grandparents and/or letters. Maybe tamales with Ms. Carmen, flowers for Miriam, going to the park with the kids (sharing popsicles, juice/water with neighborhood kids), sit out front in the summer evenings. Snacks when kids come over.

Personal

Food/Exercise/Health: 1. New exercises, new healthy recipes, more water, walking with the girls and the dog. 2-3. Even better meals. Regular exercises for needed areas. Work out with Nathan in evenings. Premake good snacks/meals. More exercise with the kids. Run a 5K?? Playing with the kids outside. More hiking. Throw the football as a family.

Books to read: 1. Started Mere Christianity, Henri Nouwen book, Corrie ten Boom, Forgotten God, Come Rain or Come Shine, Ruth B. Graham books. 2-3. Finish books!! Actually filling in the study questions with study books. Seamless, Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Restless. Read more with Hannah. read at least one book with Nathan (Mere Christianity). 1/2 Timothy study??

Dreams/Memories to make: 1. Decided it was okay to imagine/dream with Dad again (usually on walks). Taking Hannah shopping for her first pair of heels. 2-3. Plan more memory-making times with Nathan and the kids. Seek God...asking Him to place His dreams within me (and Nathan)...to think on them more than my limited ones.

Travel: 1. Missouri, Texas 2-3. Maybe a quick flight to NC, TX at Thanksgiving, maybe to OK for Spring Break...We'll see...

Work

Finances: 1. paying off a large portion of debt, sticking mostly to the budget, trusting Nathan's creativity and wisdom...seeing God bless. 2-3. Spend less on unplanned events/things. Do a better job of sticking within or under our grocery budget (and extra funds), support Nathan's decisions and sacrifices to pay off more debt rather than allow more spending. Plan ahead and make the plan enticing and fun rather than "less than." Simplify...purge...give. GETTING TO PAY OFF ALL DEBTS EXCEPT THE VAN IN FEBRUARY AND MAYBE THE VAN BY THE END OF THE YEAR!!!!!

Personal Growth/Education: 1. Philippians, Read thru the Bible, Thessalonians study, The Lulu Tree Newsletter 2-3. Try at least one new thing (something creative...sew, crochet...), find knowledge instead of relying on words, thoughts, and opinions of others. Write about something...??? Mere Christianity work with Dad. Memorize 1/2 Timothy. Learn Spanish.

Project: 1. Newsletter, few blog posts, used calendar more. 2-3. Keep up with Lulu news (make newsletter easier), consistency, organize. Keep using calendar/planner more (lead by example). Don't be afraid of planning just because plans might change and don't be afraid of changing plans just because you plan. Plan family fun. Write a devo??

So, here's to hoping 2016 will rise to the dreams or that dreams will arise in 2016. 

More Pressure, More Cleansing

This week has been full of pressure (mostly from within) and ultimately the recognition that I need to undergo more cleansing.

Two of the most commonly used "tools" God uses to cleanse us are marriage and parenting.  (For those who are single, God has plenty of tools in His shed for you too.  Not sure if that comforts you or not...)  For the sake of energy and because this is the one I was talking to God about this morning, I'm only going to touch on marriage.  I am a firm believer that we aren't to place Jesus-sized expectations on people, most importantly our spouses.  I fully believe that when I sing, "Christ is enough for me," and "You are the only one I need, I bow all of me at Your feet, I worship You alone," that I am speaking the Truth from my heart, mind, and spirit.  But my flesh, it is oh so weak.  I literally spent time praying over my husband and my thoughts toward our current situations this morning, felt great after that conversation with Jesus, and then as soon as I came into contact with my man, my flesh took over and it was as if nothing happened at all during my prayer time!  Me?  Well, I'm a person prone to frustration (my "F" word) and anger.  It takes me over, too.  My spirit has very little tolerance for this "virus" and reacts quick to try and rid itself of it; as soon as it begins to fill me up, my attitude changes, the air about me is tainted, and my face begins to contort into a look that makes me cringe - as in I really do cringe as I feel it happening, even though I don't seem to stop it!

So, today as I was walking with my girls and talking to Jesus, I just flat out asked, "How?!"

"How does this 'being one' thing work when we aren't supposed to completely depend on anyone else but Christ?  Do we stop having any expectations all together?  Do we place a 'healthy distance' between ourselves and our spouses?  But then, how is that 'being one'?  So, Father, how?!"

Almost 13 years in, and I'll admit, I thought He would have let me in on this mystery by now.  I'm wracking my brain, listening for His Voice, and seeking Him on this because otherwise I feel the enemy will always have a way in to do some damage within my marriage, and that, I'm not okay with!

As I quiet down and listen, the one thing that I keep going back to - after I've gone back to Him of course - is that I can only take care of my responses, my actions.  I can't do anything to make my husband or my children or anyone else want to do something.  That's between them and Jesus and so I have to trust God with that/them.  Me, though, there's my stewardship.

and...

He went into the Temple 

then,

casting out all who bought

and sold,

upsetting seats of the money men

trading the gifts of God

for gold.

And when

the outraged cries

had died,

and He stood alone

on that battle-field,

the blind and lame,

who came to Him there,

were healed.

.............................................................................

Lord of this temple (me),

commandeered

by alien interests,

let Your voice,

feared,

thunder with fury

throughout the whole;

Your whip be felt

on alien backs

till all have crept

into the night;

my shambled soul,

cleansed and still,

once more put right 

shall wait for You alone

to fill

it with Your love,

Your light.

And those in need

may come to find

help for the crippled,

sight for the blind.

~Ruth B. Graham

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This Road Called Sanctification

From this week's journal...

A lot of decisions were made apart from a knowledge of and a relationship with God by my family while I was growing up.  It was hard then and I dealt with much frustration and anger and confusion on why God would place me in such a family.  Those effects have been God's "work stations" in my life.  Yet, some of the examples from my family have actually been greater than the ones The Church has been able to offer me.  (They are a messy bunch without much regard for what other people think, but they are also some of the biggest lovers of people.  And their boldness means that they don't walk through life not doing something because of what other people think...I could learn a thing or two.)  Any way you look at it, though, Jesus was given more ground in my life - from the positives and the negatives.  I can't really complain about that; more of Him is exactly what I want! (And since then, I have come to find an overwhelming love for my family - one that has me begging for God to save each and every one of them because I don't want to spend eternity without any of them!)

Now, to be honest, knowing that God will use the good and the bad that Nathan and I "inflict" on our children only takes a small amount of the edge off when it comes to raising eternal beings (a.k.a. my children) for His Kingdom.  The extremity of that and how they are molded and shape by both my sin and my sanctification is EVER before me!  It is a hard accountability, and it is another set of lessons in trust, mercy, love, and grace.  Yet, I want it to be the greatest work of my life - even when the mundane or the discipline or the homework (!!!) seems anything but great.

'Please Father, get me "together" so that everyday after school isn't this struggle with me barking out orders and trying not to be angry at myself and frustrated with them for what they do not understand.  (Would I have even understood this stuff at their age?!)  I want that after school time with them to be our re-connection after us being apart all day.  I want to delight in being with them and I want them to know it!  Father, please, let Your peace reign in me so I can give them that gift every day.  The crazy has to chill!  Be gone. Peace needs to fill this place up (and this wife/momma) and remain!  Fill me up Jesus.  Make me a blessing to Nathan, Christopher, Timothy, Aaron, Hannah, and Ruthie and anyone else in between, but most importantly to those first six!  Help me to display You to them all.'

Having put all the kids in school this year has been an adjustment; in fact, I am still very much adjusting.  I miss my kids...a lot!  And in truth, I'm still schooling them - now, just in the afternoon-evening hours.  (Kind of makes me wonder, again, why we are sending them to school...)  It's just I found I'm a better encourager or coach than I am a teacher.  I know, for some there is no difference, but I do better coming alongside them, taking what's already been taught, making it clearer for them, and helping them uncover what they really do know.  Sigh...doesn't mean this is what we'll do next year, but we've committed to it for 2015-2016.  I just keep praying and we go over Matthew 5:16 weekly:

Let your light so shine before men that they may see your good works and praise your Father Who is in heaven.

I want to prepare them and help them as they start out going into hard, dark places, but since there are no black and white answers on when, how, and where that's to begin for each child, we have to trust God in all circumstances.  We have to trust that if He has not completely closed a door, that He has given us a choice and no matter which one we choose He will be faithful. I know I can get so caught up with wanting to know the exact steps, the perfect process, and the right formula, but God isn't interested in all that.  He really just wants what He's always wanted - relationship with us.  It takes relationship to take steps of faith where you don't know all the answers beforehand, but that's what Abraham did and it's what God says pleases Him. (Hebrews 11:6)

He delights in steps of faith, steps that show you fully trust Him, not ones that show how well you walk the tight rope of right and wrong.  He'd rather you walk with Him - in sweet communion with Him as you fall and require His grace and as you overcome because of His grace.  He paid a very high price to give us grace, we (I) shouldn't discard it so easily just because we want to stand on our own goodness.  Our goodness stems from our pride which will only lead to one outcome - a pretty hard fall.  I have for years thought my perfection was the goal, but it's not.  Jesus has sealed my perfection; it's awaiting me in heaven.  Until then, I'm journeying home on the road called Sanctification which requires me to feel every high and every low as He is molding and shaping me, but despite what I think, He isn't inconvenienced or upset about how often He has to wrap me up in grace.  He delights in spending that much time on me because He loves having full reign to do whatever, whenever in my life.  If I can fully believe this, I know I will be "marked" by His peace all of my days.  (O, Father, let Your example of never being inconvenienced or upset by my faults or deficiencies change the way I am with my children and with others sometimes...  No one should ever feel they are an inconvenience, and I am guilty of placing that feeling on others...even others that have spent their lives loving me.  Your grace, Jesus; lot's of it right now!)

Now, to end with another song from my "roots" (which apparently means from Steven Curtis Chapman :) ); a song about how much He loves us and how where we are and who we are and who we're with is exactly the space He makes His place.  Happy Sunday!