A lot of decisions were made apart from a knowledge of and a relationship with God by my family while I was growing up. It was hard then and I dealt with much frustration and anger and confusion on why God would place me in such a family. Those effects have been God's "work stations" in my life. Yet, some of the examples from my family have actually been greater than the ones The Church has been able to offer me. (They are a messy bunch without much regard for what other people think, but they are also some of the biggest lovers of people. And their boldness means that they don't walk through life not doing something because of what other people think...I could learn a thing or two.) Any way you look at it, though, Jesus was given more ground in my life - from the positives and the negatives. I can't really complain about that; more of Him is exactly what I want! (And since then, I have come to find an overwhelming love for my family - one that has me begging for God to save each and every one of them because I don't want to spend eternity without any of them!)
Now, to be honest, knowing that God will use the good and the bad that Nathan and I "inflict" on our children only takes a small amount of the edge off when it comes to raising eternal beings (a.k.a. my children) for His Kingdom. The extremity of that and how they are molded and shape by both my sin and my sanctification is EVER before me! It is a hard accountability, and it is another set of lessons in trust, mercy, love, and grace. Yet, I want it to be the greatest work of my life - even when the mundane or the discipline or the homework (!!!) seems anything but great.
'Please Father, get me "together" so that everyday after school isn't this struggle with me barking out orders and trying not to be angry at myself and frustrated with them for what they do not understand. (Would I have even understood this stuff at their age?!) I want that after school time with them to be our re-connection after us being apart all day. I want to delight in being with them and I want them to know it! Father, please, let Your peace reign in me so I can give them that gift every day. The crazy has to chill! Be gone. Peace needs to fill this place up (and this wife/momma) and remain! Fill me up Jesus. Make me a blessing to Nathan, Christopher, Timothy, Aaron, Hannah, and Ruthie and anyone else in between, but most importantly to those first six! Help me to display You to them all.'
Having put all the kids in school this year has been an adjustment; in fact, I am still very much adjusting. I miss my kids...a lot! And in truth, I'm still schooling them - now, just in the afternoon-evening hours. (Kind of makes me wonder, again, why we are sending them to school...) It's just I found I'm a better encourager or coach than I am a teacher. I know, for some there is no difference, but I do better coming alongside them, taking what's already been taught, making it clearer for them, and helping them uncover what they really do know. Sigh...doesn't mean this is what we'll do next year, but we've committed to it for 2015-2016. I just keep praying and we go over Matthew 5:16 weekly:
Let your light so shine before men that they may see your good works and praise your Father Who is in heaven.I want to prepare them and help them as they start out going into hard, dark places, but since there are no black and white answers on when, how, and where that's to begin for each child, we have to trust God in all circumstances. We have to trust that if He has not completely closed a door, that He has given us a choice and no matter which one we choose He will be faithful. I know I can get so caught up with wanting to know the exact steps, the perfect process, and the right formula, but God isn't interested in all that. He really just wants what He's always wanted - relationship with us. It takes relationship to take steps of faith where you don't know all the answers beforehand, but that's what Abraham did and it's what God says pleases Him. (Hebrews 11:6)
He delights in steps of faith, steps that show you fully trust Him, not ones that show how well you walk the tight rope of right and wrong. He'd rather you walk with Him - in sweet communion with Him as you fall and require His grace and as you overcome because of His grace. He paid a very high price to give us grace, we (I) shouldn't discard it so easily just because we want to stand on our own goodness. Our goodness stems from our pride which will only lead to one outcome - a pretty hard fall. I have for years thought my perfection was the goal, but it's not. Jesus has sealed my perfection; it's awaiting me in heaven. Until then, I'm journeying home on the road called Sanctification which requires me to feel every high and every low as He is molding and shaping me, but despite what I think, He isn't inconvenienced or upset about how often He has to wrap me up in grace. He delights in spending that much time on me because He loves having full reign to do whatever, whenever in my life. If I can fully believe this, I know I will be "marked" by His peace all of my days. (O, Father, let Your example of never being inconvenienced or upset by my faults or deficiencies change the way I am with my children and with others sometimes... No one should ever feel they are an inconvenience, and I am guilty of placing that feeling on others...even others that have spent their lives loving me. Your grace, Jesus; lot's of it right now!)
Now, to end with another song from my "roots" (which apparently means from Steven Curtis Chapman :) ); a song about how much He loves us and how where we are and who we are and who we're with is exactly the space He makes His place. Happy Sunday!
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