More Pressure, More Cleansing

This week has been full of pressure (mostly from within) and ultimately the recognition that I need to undergo more cleansing.

Two of the most commonly used "tools" God uses to cleanse us are marriage and parenting.  (For those who are single, God has plenty of tools in His shed for you too.  Not sure if that comforts you or not...)  For the sake of energy and because this is the one I was talking to God about this morning, I'm only going to touch on marriage.  I am a firm believer that we aren't to place Jesus-sized expectations on people, most importantly our spouses.  I fully believe that when I sing, "Christ is enough for me," and "You are the only one I need, I bow all of me at Your feet, I worship You alone," that I am speaking the Truth from my heart, mind, and spirit.  But my flesh, it is oh so weak.  I literally spent time praying over my husband and my thoughts toward our current situations this morning, felt great after that conversation with Jesus, and then as soon as I came into contact with my man, my flesh took over and it was as if nothing happened at all during my prayer time!  Me?  Well, I'm a person prone to frustration (my "F" word) and anger.  It takes me over, too.  My spirit has very little tolerance for this "virus" and reacts quick to try and rid itself of it; as soon as it begins to fill me up, my attitude changes, the air about me is tainted, and my face begins to contort into a look that makes me cringe - as in I really do cringe as I feel it happening, even though I don't seem to stop it!

So, today as I was walking with my girls and talking to Jesus, I just flat out asked, "How?!"

"How does this 'being one' thing work when we aren't supposed to completely depend on anyone else but Christ?  Do we stop having any expectations all together?  Do we place a 'healthy distance' between ourselves and our spouses?  But then, how is that 'being one'?  So, Father, how?!"

Almost 13 years in, and I'll admit, I thought He would have let me in on this mystery by now.  I'm wracking my brain, listening for His Voice, and seeking Him on this because otherwise I feel the enemy will always have a way in to do some damage within my marriage, and that, I'm not okay with!

As I quiet down and listen, the one thing that I keep going back to - after I've gone back to Him of course - is that I can only take care of my responses, my actions.  I can't do anything to make my husband or my children or anyone else want to do something.  That's between them and Jesus and so I have to trust God with that/them.  Me, though, there's my stewardship.

and...

He went into the Temple 

then,

casting out all who bought

and sold,

upsetting seats of the money men

trading the gifts of God

for gold.

And when

the outraged cries

had died,

and He stood alone

on that battle-field,

the blind and lame,

who came to Him there,

were healed.

.............................................................................

Lord of this temple (me),

commandeered

by alien interests,

let Your voice,

feared,

thunder with fury

throughout the whole;

Your whip be felt

on alien backs

till all have crept

into the night;

my shambled soul,

cleansed and still,

once more put right 

shall wait for You alone

to fill

it with Your love,

Your light.

And those in need

may come to find

help for the crippled,

sight for the blind.

~Ruth B. Graham

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This Road Called Sanctification

From this week's journal...

A lot of decisions were made apart from a knowledge of and a relationship with God by my family while I was growing up.  It was hard then and I dealt with much frustration and anger and confusion on why God would place me in such a family.  Those effects have been God's "work stations" in my life.  Yet, some of the examples from my family have actually been greater than the ones The Church has been able to offer me.  (They are a messy bunch without much regard for what other people think, but they are also some of the biggest lovers of people.  And their boldness means that they don't walk through life not doing something because of what other people think...I could learn a thing or two.)  Any way you look at it, though, Jesus was given more ground in my life - from the positives and the negatives.  I can't really complain about that; more of Him is exactly what I want! (And since then, I have come to find an overwhelming love for my family - one that has me begging for God to save each and every one of them because I don't want to spend eternity without any of them!)

Now, to be honest, knowing that God will use the good and the bad that Nathan and I "inflict" on our children only takes a small amount of the edge off when it comes to raising eternal beings (a.k.a. my children) for His Kingdom.  The extremity of that and how they are molded and shape by both my sin and my sanctification is EVER before me!  It is a hard accountability, and it is another set of lessons in trust, mercy, love, and grace.  Yet, I want it to be the greatest work of my life - even when the mundane or the discipline or the homework (!!!) seems anything but great.

'Please Father, get me "together" so that everyday after school isn't this struggle with me barking out orders and trying not to be angry at myself and frustrated with them for what they do not understand.  (Would I have even understood this stuff at their age?!)  I want that after school time with them to be our re-connection after us being apart all day.  I want to delight in being with them and I want them to know it!  Father, please, let Your peace reign in me so I can give them that gift every day.  The crazy has to chill!  Be gone. Peace needs to fill this place up (and this wife/momma) and remain!  Fill me up Jesus.  Make me a blessing to Nathan, Christopher, Timothy, Aaron, Hannah, and Ruthie and anyone else in between, but most importantly to those first six!  Help me to display You to them all.'

Having put all the kids in school this year has been an adjustment; in fact, I am still very much adjusting.  I miss my kids...a lot!  And in truth, I'm still schooling them - now, just in the afternoon-evening hours.  (Kind of makes me wonder, again, why we are sending them to school...)  It's just I found I'm a better encourager or coach than I am a teacher.  I know, for some there is no difference, but I do better coming alongside them, taking what's already been taught, making it clearer for them, and helping them uncover what they really do know.  Sigh...doesn't mean this is what we'll do next year, but we've committed to it for 2015-2016.  I just keep praying and we go over Matthew 5:16 weekly:

Let your light so shine before men that they may see your good works and praise your Father Who is in heaven.

I want to prepare them and help them as they start out going into hard, dark places, but since there are no black and white answers on when, how, and where that's to begin for each child, we have to trust God in all circumstances.  We have to trust that if He has not completely closed a door, that He has given us a choice and no matter which one we choose He will be faithful. I know I can get so caught up with wanting to know the exact steps, the perfect process, and the right formula, but God isn't interested in all that.  He really just wants what He's always wanted - relationship with us.  It takes relationship to take steps of faith where you don't know all the answers beforehand, but that's what Abraham did and it's what God says pleases Him. (Hebrews 11:6)

He delights in steps of faith, steps that show you fully trust Him, not ones that show how well you walk the tight rope of right and wrong.  He'd rather you walk with Him - in sweet communion with Him as you fall and require His grace and as you overcome because of His grace.  He paid a very high price to give us grace, we (I) shouldn't discard it so easily just because we want to stand on our own goodness.  Our goodness stems from our pride which will only lead to one outcome - a pretty hard fall.  I have for years thought my perfection was the goal, but it's not.  Jesus has sealed my perfection; it's awaiting me in heaven.  Until then, I'm journeying home on the road called Sanctification which requires me to feel every high and every low as He is molding and shaping me, but despite what I think, He isn't inconvenienced or upset about how often He has to wrap me up in grace.  He delights in spending that much time on me because He loves having full reign to do whatever, whenever in my life.  If I can fully believe this, I know I will be "marked" by His peace all of my days.  (O, Father, let Your example of never being inconvenienced or upset by my faults or deficiencies change the way I am with my children and with others sometimes...  No one should ever feel they are an inconvenience, and I am guilty of placing that feeling on others...even others that have spent their lives loving me.  Your grace, Jesus; lot's of it right now!)

Now, to end with another song from my "roots" (which apparently means from Steven Curtis Chapman :) ); a song about how much He loves us and how where we are and who we are and who we're with is exactly the space He makes His place.  Happy Sunday!

  

 

Return to My Roots

Today I decided to return to my roots a bit and play some Steven Curtis Chapman while taking Hannah to school (she goes in the afternoons).  Nathan recently bought his Re:Creation album that has some of his oldie but goodies and some new songs.  The very first song is called Do Everything.  Without fail, this song has always brought tears to my eyes after the first verse:

Your picking up toys on the living room floor for the fifteenth time today
Matching up socks
Sweeping up lost cheerios that got away

You put a baby on your hip
Color on your lips and head out the door

While I may not know you,
I bet I know you
Wonder sometimes, does it matter at all?

I tear up because in that moment I think, "Well, if no one else notices, atleast Steven does!"  (chuckle...)  Then, of course, I remind myself that my husband does notice and more importantly my Jesus sees me.  It's just this, very little of my life looks like what I thought it would and the kids don't always behave the way I think they need to and my days just don't go the way I planned!  But, evenmore, I don't look very much like what I thought I would. I think that's what is hardest to gulp down.  I sometimes ask God why He made me an idealist if none of them were to come to fruition, but He knows that I need Him more than I need a perfect day, a perfect life, or...a perfect...me.  And here's what just tenderizes my heart over and over again - He wants me now before the ideal even has a chance.  So, maybe I'm a little more like my Father than I think; He doesn't mind the scratched up, torn up, vintage pieces either.  I just fall more and more in love with Him as I ponder that.

So, for our listening pleasure two music videos.  The first one cracks me up, and that's a good thing for someone like me who just needs to lighten up a little (a lot!).

Cleanse...

Because we have these promises, dear friends, let us cleanse ourselves from everything that can defile our body or spirit. And let us work toward complete holiness because we fear God.   (2 Corinthians 7:1)

Last week I could sense in my spirit that I just needed - and wanted - to pull away from all that was going on.  School has begun, fall activities with the church and the kids have started, and I was once again connected to a device more than I was a little hand or two.  I was in the midst of my Thursday, I believe, when my dear friend Pam texted me to let me know she'd be "off-line" for a few days to commune with God.  I was once again delighted how God confirms His leading for me, and I replied back that I was joining her!

Saturday night Nathan and I went out to eat and to a movie.  While at dinner, he shared what God was teaching him, and quite frankly he felt it hadn't been much lately.  But, one verse did stick out - 2 Corinthians 7:1.  "Let us cleanse ourselves..."  Once again, God being God, He confirmed this decision of mine to back off and let go and it seemed He would be leading Nathan to do the same - probably not in the same ways, but cleansing nonetheless.

I'm really just at the beginning.  There have been small things that I've done or done without. I've decided to make healthier meals and though I know this isn't always necessary for a cleansed soul, sometimes, well, it is.  I let go of the electronic social "stuff" completely for a few days and then have only added them back at a minimum.  (Do I even need to say it?  FREEDOM!)  I am about to record my 5,000th gift in my gratitude journal.  Can't believe it has been five years!  I'm drinking a lot of water and a bit of coffee.  I'm allowing the quiet to serenade me more than usual.  I am smiling with contentment at the little (wonderful, rich, beautiful, simple) life I've been given by my Father.  I am seeking to give and love more and taking more baby steps in that direction of living.  I am getting rid of the extras that are lying around and then going back to look for more!

I am praying that God develops the fruits of peace and gentleness in me.  And just this morning I prayed a prayer for Nathan and I that will truly be a testament of God's miraculous working in our lives if one day it comes to pass.  (I prayed. I hope. I trust.)  I am asking like never before for the "affection of Christ Jesus" for all in my life, from my family to my friends to my cashiers to the kids in kids' church and on and on...  I am asking that God calm down the noise in my head and spirit and life (!!), that He refocuses me, and that He helps me trust Him for the next step.  I am praying to live with a gentle and quiet spirit, simply trusting and obeying rather than striving and stressing and rushing into things.  I'm hoping to learn to take intentional steps and say intentional words and think intentional thoughts instead of all the mess I've been drowning in.  (Sometimes life brings the mess, but I'm talking about the kind I stir up all by myself.)

I am hoping that my children will see more of my face - and a smiling, hopeful one at that - instead of my hair sticking up behind some screen.  I want to hear my children and my husband and myself laughing and discussing instead of the sound-effects of games and soundtracks of movies.  I want to feel the sun and breeze on my skin instead of the house fans.  I want to be content to sit and hold my babies and cuddle and read and tickle instead of feeling like we need to be "doing" something.

I know we're all prone to saying, "Out with the old and in with the new," but I'm actually thinking of revisiting some of the old and setting aside some of the new.  I am feeling no one-size-fits-all kind of thing here.  My details aren't necessarily anyone else's; though, I kind of hope God will lead both Nathan and I in many of the same areas.

We are working really hard to pay off the last of our debt, and I mentioned to Nathan that I think it's a good time for him to begin setting other jobs go to free himself up fully for the ministry God has him here for.  For whatever reason, I just feel that as soon as things are payed off and outside jobs are let go, He has something in store for us.  No idea what but something, and I'm quietly excited about it  and anticipating it.

These are a lot of prayers and hopes; I have a feeling there will be more. (smile)  I am thankful that my God knows me and delights in the girl He made 32 years ago.  (Yes, I see myself very much still a girl; I don't think I ever refer to myself as a woman...)

I look forward to the days ahead, but first, I look forward to spending time with my Ruthie and then the other four returning from school!